Tension

I am tightly wrapped, bound together by anxiety, resolve, and reality. I am wound in upon myself, coiled with energy, ready to release. But what kind of release? Where will this election take us? We knew that the results would take time, and still the waiting feels unbearable. Last night, I didn’t know if I could sleep, but I did for about 5 hours. I awoke at 4 am and tried to get some more rest, but instead I felt terror flooding back into me. I rushed to check my phone — little more was known than when I checked last night. I climbed back into bed but didn’t sleep again, and I finally rose at 6. Now, I continue to refresh and analyze the election results, but I can’t continue at this pace. We will be living without resolution for a while. We have stepped into the darkness of not knowing, and we must wait while every single vote is counted and until the results are announced.

Today, I know that I must keep myself in two states simultaneously — tightly wound enough to hold together the tension I feel; and yet loose enough to engage with the people with whom I live and the tasks I must accomplish. I know that I must be present to others today, for my job, but more importantly for my family. I know that my tension could unwind in a snap of anger towards one of them. I must meet my tension with tenderness, toward them and towards myself. Perhaps this tenderness can allow me to uncoil just a bit…enough to live into today, enough to attend to my own and others’ needs. Perhaps tenderness will be enough to get us all through.